Escaping the Victim Triangle: What to Choose When Someone Hurts You
Are you over the victim triangle you’ve inadvertently found yourself a part of? Do you want to claim victory over the hurt you’ve experienced and walk in freedom? Friend, you have a choice. It is possible for you.
Now is a good time to pull out your Journal & Growth Guide and reference #2 of the 7 Truths That Will Enable You to Get Over Betrayal and Rejection. Find that post HERE.
Identifying and Escaping the Victim Triangle
The Victim Triangle (also known as the Drama Triangle) is a diagram developed in the 1960s by a well-respected psychiatrist named Stephan Karpman. It is a tool used to help people recognize and then step out of the dysfunctional role they may be playing in a painful relationship or interaction.
The Victim Triangle labels three roles people inevitably play in any dysfunctional interaction or relationship. They consist of persecutors, rescuers, and victims. The interesting part is that we don’t tend to stay stagnant in one position. Instead, we cycle through the roles and continue the cycle until we recognize the dysfunction and take steps to remove ourselves from the triangle.
This model is a powerful tool to help individuals step out of victimhood and claim victory over painful betrayals and rejection within unhealthy relationships and interactions. I love what Lynne Forrest teaches about the Victim Triangle, how she uses it in her practice, and how continuing to live in that triad also continues a cycle of generating shame.
I’ve sometimes referred to the victim triangle as a “shame generator” because through it we unconsciously re-enact painful life themes that create shame. This has the effect of reinforcing old, painful beliefs that keep us stuck in a limited version of reality.
Lynne Forrest
Claiming Victory Over Victimhood by Discovering Your Identity
If you’ve been here for even a brief moment, you know that the heart of my message is that the closer we are to the heart of God, the more we know who we are. And the more we know who we are, the more we live lives pursuing the very purpose for which God has placed us here. We live lives of joy, peace, and unveiled hope. And we live lives that point to Jesus as that hope.
Likewise, if you’ve been here for that moment, you also know my personal story of identity is less than stellar. I was clueless. A young and impressionable girl grabbing her identity from the world around her, rather than the God within her.
I didn’t know who I was, or Whose I was. I walked into brokenness by wearing the labels of the world on my soul.
But lies permeate the labels of the world. Maybe there is a tiny thread of truth mixed in with the world that bears the brokenness of our people and systems. But not much.
When we deal with the world, we deal with brokenness. And when we deal with brokenness, we deal with both rejection and betrayal. We deal with cycles of shame like I described in the Victim Triangle. The enemy of our souls rejoices in it and works heartily at ensuring we clothe ourselves in the sin of our offenders.
Why? Because he wants us to identify as a victim.
The truth is, as a victim, we will not fulfill our purpose. And as a victim, we will not see victory.
Therefore, we must know Truth. We must know Jesus and know that any rejection or betrayal we encounter will never become our identity.
Because our identity is unchangeable. As a believer, you are a child of God. Chosen, worthy, created in His image, with purpose, and called wonderful.
However, I get it. I get the hurt and the lies whispered by the enemy … I hear them, too. Ones like:
You are not worthy of respect.
You are a fool.
You’ll never accomplish your dream.
But lean in friends and listen to this truth:
People do not betray or reject based upon the worth of those they hurt. They choose to do so because of a brokenness deep inside themselves.
Lori Schumaker
Jesus, Judas, Betrayal, and Victory
Let’s look at Judas Iscariot’s story of betrayal. He is the guy from Jesus’ inner circle who betrayed Jesus with a kiss.
Jesus lived a blameless life – one free of sin. He is the Lamb of God. Our Savior. The God of the Universe. Yet, He was betrayed. His betrayal could not be based upon His worth, right? The betrayal was birthed out of a broken place – an unredeemed sin – within Judas.
Jesus answered, “It is the one to whom I will give this piece of bread when I have dipped it in the dish.” Then, dipping the piece of bread, he gave it to Judas, the son of Simon Iscariot. As soon as Judas took the bread, Satan entered into him.-John 13:26-27
Now let’s look at how Jesus handled the betrayal. He didn’t slip into victim mode. Although tortured and ridiculed in those proceeding hours, Jesus chose victory. A victory for all time. He conquered death and in so doing, He claimed victory for us, as well.
So, friends, when someone hurts you and the painful effects of sin find their way into your life, as a child of God, your life story is not that of a victim.
You see, believing in Jesus doesn’t merely gain us a ticket into Heaven. It’s about the victory we have here on earth right now. On this side of the cross. Being a follower of Jesus gives us an identity that no power of darkness can ever steal from us.
Cal Jernigan, Pastor at Central Christian Church, once said, “You were not just saved. You were saved for a reason. You were not just rescued from the world, you were rescued for the world.”
So, if we were rescued for the world, do you think it was to live encumbered with a victim identity?
No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. -Romans 8:37(NLT)
We are not the injured, betrayed, or broken. We are not stuck in the muddy pit of our offender’s sin. And friends, we are not wearing their sin as our label!
For I am not ashamed of this Good News about Christ. It is the power of God at work, saving everyone who believes—the Jew first and also the Gentile. This Good News tells us how God makes us right in his sight. This is accomplished from start to finish by faith. As the Scriptures say, “It is through faith that a righteous person has life.” -Romans 1:16-17
We are victors because our identity is in King Jesus.
He trumps all other sin and darkness. Washing the label of victim off us, He replaces it with an irrevocable one that no one can take away. Not the Victim Triangle, but instead a victorious label called Child of God
Stepping Outside the Victim Triangle
That is why we can take each whispered lie and cancel it out with Truth. When the enemy tells us we will never fulfill our purpose? We laugh in his face and say, “I am following my King and He will lead me to and through my purpose.”
When he whispers lies about our worth? We tell him to move on back because, “My Jesus, the King of the Universe, says I’m precious in His sight.”
And then, friends? We breathe deeply and abide.
We rest in the warm and loving, but safe and fierce protection of the One True King. The One in whom we can trust and surrender.
It is there we find a supernatural peace that rises above all else in the world. It is where betrayal has no sting.
“I am the vine; you are the branches. If you remain in me and I in you, you will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing.” -John 15:5 (NIV)
A Prayer for Victory
Dear Jesus, You are the King of Kings and the only One worthy of our praise. You created us as unique, wonderful, and in your image. You saved us for a reason. Lord, fill us with an understanding we cannot deny.
Let our identity as Your child seep into every corner and crevice of our hearts, souls, and minds so that betrayal loses its sting. Lord, I pray that we run to You and abide in You, resting peacefully in the encompassing knowledge that in You our identity is victorious. Convict us of our victory as we fulfill the purpose You have set before us.
In Your precious and holy Name, I pray. Amen
I regularly link up with these encouraging blogs!
Join Me for the Series About Overcoming Betrayal and Rejection!
Also, I’ve created a Scripture Based Journal and Growth Guide that corresponds to each weekly devotional post allowing you to go deeper and make each lesson more meaningful. It guides you on your journey to dealing with rejection.
This journal and a set of printable Scripture Cards to give you hope are now in the Library of Hope! If you have already subscribed to our community, jump on over and grab your copy! If you haven’t subscribed, what are you waiting for? Just use the form below for your access to the Library of Hope and this journal!
Want to Read all the Posts In the “When People Hurt You” Series?
- 7 Powerful Truths You Need to Help You Overcome Betrayal and Rejection
- How Do You Get Over Betrayal, Rejection, and Toxic Guilt?
- Escaping the Victim Triangle: What to Choose When Someone Hurts You
- 5 Powerful Faith Quotes for When Life Is Not Fair
- Choosing Forgiveness Over Revenge: A Prayer for Forgiveness
- Building Inner Strength: How to Transform Your Pain into a Powerful Way Forward
- Getting Unstuck: Letting Go of the Past and Choosing to Live Again
- Finding Jesus in the Broken Church: Building a Healthy Relationship With Your Church Community
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This Week’s Featured #MomentsofHope Writers
by Joanne Viola of Days and Thoughts
Anxiety and Depression – Two Peas in a Pod and the Power of Words
by Susan McIlmoil of Carry on My Heart
How to Get Unbent After Getting Bent Out of Shape
by Marva Smith of Sun Sparkle Shine
Before I go, please try to visit these sites and leave some #MomentsofHope comments and love!
Rescued “for” not “from.”
This is a message like an arrow straight to my heart today, Lori, because I’m learning that when I write out of my broken places, there are people who read and find hope. It’s amazing to learn that our greatest weaknesses can also become our greatest strengths.
Amen Amen and Amen ♥ Michele, I am so grateful God used these words to speak to you and remind you that you have been rescued FOR a purpose! I’m excited to continue to read all you will share as God urges you to dig below the surface and share the broken places ♥
Lori, I needed to read this today and so, I thank you! This > “You were not just rescued from the world, you were rescued for the world.” This brings such hope and reassures me (and all of us) that the Lord redeems and uses every broken place in our lives.
And it was such a sweet and encouraging surprise to see my post shared here. Thank you, friend!
Oh, Joanne! I am so thankful these words were timely for you ♥ Praying you continue to hold onto them each day! And AMEN! The Lord does redeem and use every broken place in our lives. You always encourage me so I absolutely loved sharing your work! Hugs!
Lori
Oh my – I am thinking of recent encounter where I chose victim not victor. I see how I missed out on so much. Thank you for your wise words. Maree
Hi Maree,
I think we all have those moments we choose victim over victor. In all honesty, sometimes we just want to sulk a little. But knowing you, I bet you stepped out of victim mode and right back into victor with the very next opportunity! Thanks so much for being here – I appreciate you!
What powerful truth, Lori! I so love the points you make about how when people hurt us, it’s not a result of our worth, but of their own pain. That is so freeing! Thanks for sharing this today!
Hi Emily,
I am so glad this resonated with you. I agree completely – it is such a freeing truth when we realize it’s not about us, but about their pain! Thank you for joining me here ♥ I appreciate you!
Lori, I am sorry to hear that your dad suffered a stroke. May his recovery be as quick and complete as possible! Today’s post is beautiful and wise. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much for the thoughts, prayers, and kind words, Tammy ♥
Lori, praying your dad recovers from his stroke. And this, “You see, believing in Jesus doesn’t merely gain us a ticket into Heaven. It’s about the victory we have here on earth right now. On this side of the cross. Being a follower of Jesus gives us an identity that no power of darkness can ever steal from us.” I have learned to say, “I am a beloved daughter os the King,” when the enemy flings his fiery darts my way. What a difference that has made!
Thank you so much for the thoughts and prayers, Debbie ♥ And AMEN! You are a beloved daughter of the King!
Wow, Lori it has been awhile, friend. I am sorry to read about your father. I will definitely continue in prayer. i know from experience the affect a stroke can have not only on the individual, but the loved ones as well. i absolutely love the encouraging words you’ve shared. Remembering who we are in Christ is a challenge as we seek to live for Him The enemy will use whatever it takes to keep our eyes off Jesus.Pain and suffering is definitely a trigger in our lives. How we respond to to pain plays a huge role in the way we live our lives as Christians. I want to thrive as a victor in Christ! Thank you so much for the words of wisdom, hope, and inspiration. I am so excited to be able to join Moments of hope today. may God continue to bless you and you family.
How it made me smile to see your comment here, Horace! I hope you are doing well! I know you have a deep empathy for those navigating stroke. Thank you for your thoughts and prayers. I cherish them. Please know I will be praying for you as well!
I have never before thought of the example of Judas and Jesus proving that betrayal is about the betrayer, not the betrayed. Brilliant! laurensparks.net
I remember when it hit me years ago. It was so freeing. Like, goodness, if Jesus could be so deeply betrayed by someone in His inner circle yet be free of sin, how could I not expect it to happen to me? So glad it resonated with you!
Lori,
I was saddened to hear that your Dad had had a stroke but gladden that he is doing okay…praying for you all.
Yes, we are victors, it is difficult in such betrayal of trust but we have a Savior who knows & totally understands the sting of betrayal…Amen!
Jennifer
Thank you, Jennifer … for the prayers, thoughts, and for joining me here in conversation ♥
I’m so glad to hear that your father is making such improvements, Lori! Will continue to pray for a full recovery. Strokes are such scary events.
Thank you so much, Lisa. I cherish the prayers. They really are scary!
Continued prayers for your father Lori. This blog post is beautiful. We are rescued for a purpose. That wording is so on time. Thanks for continuing to open your heart to us even in the midst of everything else you have going on.
Hi Brittany,
Thank you so much for the continued prayers ♥ And I am so thankful you were encouraged by the words here. May God meet you right where you are! Thanks so much for joining me here today.
Blessings and smiles,
Lori
Thank you, Melanie! Amen!
Oh, Lori, I love your blog redesign! May your new space be a beacon of light for those who are searching for our Savior.
How’s your dad doing now? I pray he’s doing much better and that he and your mom have been able to navigate the changes with grace.
Thanks for featuring my post, by the way. It was a lovely surprise.
Blessings to you, dear friend!